6 reasons to seriously consider breeding with redheads

To whomever came up with the phrase "terrible twos"...
Since you are probably dead, I feel as though I owe it to new parents everywhere to bitchslap your descendents. The reason for this is that I coasted through those twos thinking "THIS is as bad as it gets? Wicked, this is a cakewalk!!" Molly at two was a redheaded angel, an absolute cherub of nicety. Three was a delightful preview of four to come. And as if she magically knew it was time for a change, on her fourth birthday Molly began to make the terrible twos seem like an instagrammed version of a sunny day with Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years.

So here are 6 gems that only this week came out of the mouth of a girl who is obviously superfantastically adorable as a natural defence so I don't feel compelled to sell her.

1. Molly observes me struggling through the house with a giant load of wood while she is playing with her megablocks
"Molls could you please open the gate for mom?"
   "I'm super busy engineering right now mom, but you can do it yourself, I just know it!"

2. Molly is playing with the herd of six kittens before bed one night looking very very sweet until she throws down this creepy idea;
"hey kittens, do you want to play knife knife?"

3. Again with the kittens.
"Mom, I want to call this one TickleBum"
Me not exactly hearing her; "Sorry, you want to call a kitten TickleTrunk?"
"No, mom! TICKLEBUM! Tickletrunk, that's just stupid."

4. Picking up my little ginger spice from preschool;
"Hey kid, how was school?"
"So good mom! Nobody even got freaking mad at me today!"

5. Bringing a new friend over
"That's Meowmeow, she is really nice, that's Meuwford, he will try and kill you."
...resulting in a child who is now terrified of cats...great.

6. ...needs no intro
"Hey Molly, come eat dinner."
      "Dinner smells like ass mom." (with her thumb in the air, suggesting that this is something she heard but does not understand it to be very insulting.)

Poop is funny

I think I have covered my bases pretty well this far, but if you find poop offensive, or the word fuck, move on. There are really cute blogs about crafts and lovely children, and this is not one of those.

When I was younger I had dogs and cats and whatnot, and I was really the most squeamish of humans. If our super old and partially evil terrier happened to poop in the house and I happened to be the first one "on scene" I would clean it, but in the most dramatically disgusted manor, and with a LOT of gagging.

Parenthood, if you haven't had the chance to experience it, throws your squeamish and disgusted ways right out the door so very very fast. From the moment your child is born they begin to do pretty disgusting things, and you either sink or swim in all that puke and snot and poop. Honestly I think they make kids superduper adorable so you can forgive them for being so disgusting.

As my friend Al so poignantly explained it; "You will find yourself feeling pretty self-congratulatory, You're out of the house! You don't look like a fucking trainwreck! You've done it! Until some guy in the grocery store behind you taps you on the shoulder and says 'excuse me, but you have puke all down the back of your shirt.'" Parenthood is messy.

So things that i used to find not funny at all I suddenly find hysterical. And poop is most definitely one of those things.

Like the time Sam - who did not change a single diaper until forced to with his own child - screamed from the change table "Oh dear GOD! I have never seen a human shit before! Oh help me she is SHITTING, RIGHTTHISVERYMINUTE! Oh god make it stop!!" To some of you, not so funny perhaps, but to me this was parenthood gold.

When Molly had really and truly aced potty training she then became quite fascinated with poop. In a sciency way. I was sitting with her eating breakfast shortly after telling her how poop is made and in the most maniacally crazy of voices she blurted out; "Hey mom, wanna know something COOL??" If you would go get me an Xray machine, we could watch THIS piece of TOAST, (proudly waving toast in my face for the full effect) bounce bounce bounce down allll my bones and into my tummy and be turned into POOPS!! Isn't that just the coolest?"

She then took this bit of knowledge and used it to shame my friends' mother. I took her to a derby game  and the sweetest of grandmothers offered to look after her. When this lovely grandmother was sitting and chatting with her she once again shared in her usual enthusiastic voice, the story of how poops are made. When said grandma said something along the lines of "wow, I never knew that." She looked at her with utter distaste and said "REALLY? Your mother should have taught you that!"

A few months ago Sam asked me to leave - gasp - my computer for 24 hours. I reluctantly agreed to his spontaneous camping trip, and we ended up having a really great night. On the way home Sam said "so Molly, did you have fun camping?" and she said, "Of course! I pooped in the forest! It was AWESOME!" Nevermind that we spent a night by the lake playing with the dogs, seeing tadpoles and frogs, and swimming and having a great time, she got to shit in the forest! Epic!

And finally, my favourite poop story happened this week. I was talking to a banker - one of my least favourite of all the ways to pass valuable time - and we were working out a timetable. Said snooty banker was going back about 5 years, and as she hemmed and hawed at her screen while keeping me on the phone for a record time considering I have a four year old, she felt the need to ask, "So it seems like about 4 years ago you were both doing quite well with your incomes, and then yours took a serious dip. Is there some sort of reason that your income took such a terrible dip?' to which Molly, with comedic timing Steve Martin would have appreciated, hollered "OHMYGODMOM!! You REALLY need to come see this! I took a HUGE poop, no seriously, it's WEIRD, it's GIANT, it's CRAZY!"